Well now I feel depressed. ... I hate her. I hate her for doing this.

I need a distraction.



...


Then here I wrote something like "So crap. So crap. So crap. *laughs* *smiles*". That was the general feeling anyway. Well, it's over. For me it finished a book ago, with a 200 word epilogue. And 600 words that to my mind don't exist.

Just felt the need to have a bit of a conclusion here. Closure of sorts. I love Garrett and Kate. I love Leah.

And then. Utter adoration. I love him. So much.

There's a whole lot I could say on this topic. But I know my own mind. I already have the clarity I would be seeking in arranging the thoughts on this page. So I don't feel the need. It's a tragedy though. For me. Far more than the 'love story' it claims to be. A tragedy to the core.

So here's closure.

Hello blog, welcome to December. Not sure why exactly I'm keeping this up, but right now I need the distraction. So I recently did something I'm a little ashamed of, nothing important just something it irritates my pride that I've done, though I've totally justified it to myself. Anyway not going to get into it because since I'm the only one reading this and I know about it, I don't need to remind myself x] but UGH. Essentially it comes down to the power books have to forcefully effect you. In countless ways, but particularly 'emotionally'. Because my heart is currently breaking for him. It's ridiculous to feel so strongly for a fictional character. But there you have it. It's painful to read (not just because the writing is utter shite) and the effect it's having on me physically, constricting my breathing for one, is quite powerful. It's nonsensical but such is the force of the imagination. So I'm taking breaks every other line, because this section is killing me. Because it's killing him.

Part of me can't wait to talk to other people about it. Because I can already picture the arguments. I know they'll disagree with me, and my mind is just repeating "Bring it on!" over and over. God, I love a good debate x) and even though I know I'd made up my mind before I'd started reading it, I don't care. Because again I don't want to be associating myself with it in any way, and I still hate it, probably more so now I understand it, but that's exactly why I needed to do this.

When I was in year 12, my current best friend and I were discussing out latest addiction, something we both felt very passionately about. Then my best friend of the time (*sigh* there's something I really don't want to get into. I miss her every day. I hate people.) came over and, overhearing us, loudly declared she hated what it was we were talking about. It was entirely unnecessary and could only have been intended to hurt us, or at least ruffle our feathers. It worked. Slightly outraged and very irritated, we asked if she'd ever actually seen it. Scoffing, our friend replied "No" as if that was irrelevant and frankly ridiculous. I was livid. I could understand that people have different tastes, and that was fine, she didn't need to like everything I liked. But she knew how I felt about this particular subject, so to announce her hatred like that was rude. But to announce when it was based on nothing? Without any attempt to discover for herself, she had *chosen* to dislike something without knowing anything about it? Again. Livid. How dare she.

So when, all these years later, I realised I was doing the same thing, i.e. being judgmental about something before I knew enough about it (although my instincts were correct, and I knew that at the time ;P) I knew that I had to do the research. Find out for myself and make an informed decision. Because otherwise I was being a hypocrite; being as bad as she was.

Anyway, so that's why I've done it, but slightly foolishly I'd already made my feelings on this particular topic known before I started my research xD probably was a bit stupid but tbh I find it funny now. I can see they're going to accuse me of backtracking and rib me for it no end. But I know my motivations. And I'm very relieved I didn't end up totally loving it, like I feared I might! That was one reason I put off the 'research' for so long, because I didn't *want* to like it, but thought I might! Luckily I know my own mind better than I thought I did.

SO. Where was this going. Nowhere XD but that's the beauty of a blog. I'm amazed how much I'm enjoying this! Blogging, I mean. This is a release like nothing else I've discovered yet. I think it's because I'm not worrying about people seeing it. But I've already covered by thoughts on blogging, so I'll leave it here for today. This is already long enough (oh, my powers to ramble know no limitations). But I think I might be back soon! Undoubtedly, there'll be an 'end of the decade' blog before the month is out. The 'Noughties' are nearly over. There's something to talk about. Over and out!

Bloggity-bloggity-blog.

So in a moment of sheer madness, I told a URL friend I was considering Tweeting something/did they think I should, and after a strong answer to the affirmative, I Tweeted the link to this blog. I then went out to a play, and the second I got back in I deleted the Tweets. I don't know what I was thinking. Well I do; I was thinking "Gee, it'd be useful if I could talk this over with someone". However what possessed me to think that I could find such an audience on the internet, I'll never know. I'll cut myself a little slack. It is hard to judge this internet lark. But it's much wiser to play on the safe side. I.e., not trust anyone ;) this is always my motto, heh heh. But anyway, I'm sincerely hoping no-one saw it/bothered to click the link. I'll never have any way of knowing, but I'm relying on the fact they didn't.

Which begs the question, 'So why am I writing here?' Heh heh. Good question. Not entirely sure. I think the point I considered in my last post, about finding a certain amount of clarity in arranging my thoughts on a page, still stands. Maybe that's why people like blogging. I've never really 'got' it. Cuz it's that bit more than a diary, and I've never really understood how a blog works. Still not sure I do. But there's something about a diary that's so limiting - you feel obliged to write regularly if not every day, and about your day. When I re-read mine, it was mostly a list of lessons and what went on. With a blog, there's freedom. You can write about a topic or an issue, in a way that would seem superfluous in a diary. And it doesn't matter if anyone reads it (I'm hoping to god no-one reads this), but something about leaving it open to the public validates it. Even if the public don't read it.

Anyway, I still don't think I'll use this much as it still seems a bit preachy and self-indulgent. And not in the good way ;) but I might leave it open for whenever I do want to just write about something. There is an outlet. In the way that, despite my issues with it, I really think Tumblr has a place - so does blogging.

In regards to the language exchange issue, I think I've sorted it out. I've narrowed it down to three people living close to me - two in Brighton, and one in Bournemouth. I was (understandably) hesitant at the thought of meeting one of these total strangers on my own - just not very sensible - so have devised a plan to suggest to them that all four of us meet up in Brighton, for coffee or a meal or something, just to get to talk about this whole exchange idea and what we hope to get out of it. That way I'm in a public place (and I know Brighton well), and I'm not on my own. And I'd only have to do the awkward meeting part once, as opposed to three times xD a definite plus point!

So. There we have it. I felt like I had unfinished business with this ridiculous little experiment they call a blog, but can now let it to lie, and return every now and then whenever I feel, without the pressure of a readership. Much better! So. Until the next time.

So here's a continuation, or update if you will, on the post I made only yesterday. Well things have escalated even more. After I wrote that I calmed down a bit, and started thinking how cool it would be if I could actually learn Korean. When I went to Japan, I found myself constantly wishing I spoke Japanese, and part of me thinks maybe I should be learning that instead. But I really want to visit Korea. Well, I want to visit both, maybe I should learn both xD but I'm very intrigued by Korean, so. Yes.

Then I started looking around for courses (which are essentially non-existent. I'm very annoyed) but came across something similar to the Gumtree idea. It's called, 'mylanguageexchange.com' -which is self-explanatory. It's pretty cool; you can search for people by their native language and the language they are learning, and find people in your area who might want to swap languages, or even just a 'penpal' from another country.

Since I'd already replied to two people from Gumtree and committed myself to this fool-hardy endeavor, I replied to a few of the people from My Language Exchange. When I say a few, I mean eleven. Yeah, I kind of do extremes quite well.... >_< I didn't expect to hear back from many, if any at all. But sure enough, these folks are on the ball. I've now heard back from both people from Gumtree, and five of the eleven from My Language Exchange. It's been less than twenty-four hours for the last lot! Madness.

Anyway, heh heh, I'm now kind of at a loss. I have three potential 'penpals' or just people living outside the UK who would be interesting in getting in contact to help with the language, and four potential people who are actually in England right now, and I could meet up with. Which is exciting but ever so slightly terrifying. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't actually speak Korean, and that this was all very spur of the moment. I'm not sure what I'd be getting myself in to.

On the other hand, I was thinking it might be possible, since there aren't courses in Korean, to get one of those Rosetta Stone packs or something similar, that enables you to teach yourself online/at home. Then could use these contacts to improve upon this basis, in the way that only native speakers can. And if it didn't work out, hey, I'd get to meet some people from another culture. Which is always interesting.

Trouble is. Where to start. The ball's in my court at the moment which is always how I prefer it, but I'm not sure where to take this. What to do next. If this whole thing is damn stupid. And it's frustrating that I have no-one to talk to about it (hence this blogging - apparently I hope that arranging my thoughts coherently will somehow eradicate the fact they're all nonsensical) so I'm just going round in circles.

.......Unless I Tweet this. I could probably justify interrupting my week off on the reasoning I'd like some opinions. But in the past it hasn't gone well when I've tried asking the internet for advice. Always tricky trying to strike the balance with URL people. On the one hand, they'd real people, just regular old children of the internet such as myself. On the other, they don't know me. And I don't know them. So how far I can take their advice is undecided.

Hmmmmmeegggaaaaaggghh. Ok. I might risk it. So if you've a person who isn't me reading this, for starters well done on getting through all that random crap that compiles my mind, and yeah, er, please leave a comment with your opinions. I'd really appreciate it.

(Can't believe I'm doing this.)

Idle Stupidity.

Jesus Hannah, this is why you shouldn't go on the internet in the early hours of the morning. You get reckless. You end up doing things that in the cold light of day you'd probably think twice about. It's fine when this usually just means buying more DVDs than you could probably afford, or purchasing theatre tickets before you know you have anyone to go with, but this is a little out there dontcha think?

So I, er, after being quite disappointed that the famous supplementary language options at my uni ended up being a no go, or rather a lot more expensive than they'd implied, I decidedly to aimlessly rifle through these little interwebs for something more promising. In the way you do idly rifle at 4am. I wasn't sure how serious I was, but languages, and my failure to get beyond a GCSE in French, was always something I'd scolded myself about. So when I discovered on Gumtree there was a facility by which you 'swap' languages with someone, (i.e. in most cases they're living here and want to improve their English, and will in exchange teach you their language) I was quite intrigued. And then when one of the first ones I see is offering Korean, after my intensive couple of weeks kpop binge, I suddenly find myself replying.

Come morning, (or 2pm when I'm woken up by the maintenance men coming to fix my shower - nice one, Hannah) it's a vague memory, and I tell myself nothing will come of it. Ten minutes later I have a reply. Sweet jesus, now what am I supposed to do?? I'm so hyper safety-conscious when it comes to internet stuff, and love that it's only what I choose to put out there. And now I have a Korean I know next to nothing about asking to meet up. And it's not being presumptuous on their part cuz I answered the freaking ad!

So apparently the logical response to this is to create a blog. Which will probably just be a place to vent. And in the mean time that email sits in my inbox, staring at me. Silently judging. Fantastic.